VIDEO TIP: How to Love Your Judgmental Partner

Thank you so much for joining me today on the first video in our series, How To Love Your Partner.  The series was created because of you.  All of you sent in questions and comments and talk points.  "Robyn, I want to know how to handle this type of person in my relationship."  I can help with this.  Or, "My partner really doesn't understand me.  Can you do a video on this?"  Absolutely.  So, thank you for being here.  

OK, so let's jump right into today's topic, which is How To Love A Judgmental Partner.  Yeah, that's right.  Judgmental.

 I know sometimes this word "judgmental" can kind of trigger things within us, right?  It feels so icky.  "Why does this person do this?"  But, I want you to stop for just a minute and pull back.  Just take a look at the word "judgment" as a whole. 

The word "judgment" is quite neutral. It's something we all do, whether we want to admit it or not.  It is something essential to our survival and to our growth as human beings, individually or as a couple.  To judge simply means to take in information, to think about it, assess it, and then to create an opinion.  And we're doing this all day, every day. 

Those opinions can be negative, that's OK.  But it's when we express those opinions in negative or hurtful ways that we get into trouble.  That's when we get hurt or what I call emotionally wounded by our partners. 

When this happens enough, we learn how to not share things anymore.  We learn how to kind of pull back and disconnect so we don't get judged. 

So, here's how we can love our judgmental partners:  The next time you hear something judgmental from your partner, I want you to just slow down and take a breath before you react.  And just ask them questions. 

Get curious.  And ask them, "What is your hope or expectation for sharing this with me or saying this to me?  What is it you wanted to gain out of sharing this or making this comment to me?  Were you hoping that I would learn something new about you? Myself?  Did you want to teach me something?"  

Often times when someone is judgmental, they're responding to something within themselves.  Something that made them uncomfortable, something that just irked them.  So, get curious with your partner.  Find out what it is that they were hoping to accomplish by saying it.  And see if you can do it in a loving way. 

If you can avoid getting defensive and just start a conversation, I can guarantee the outcome of that conversation will be very, very different from when whether you had gotten defensive or said, "What are you talking about?  That's so rude.  I can't believe you would say that." 

Because 99% of the time, our partners never mean to hurt us or be mean to us.  It's not easy to love someone who you perceive to be negative to you all the time, but you do have a choice in how to respond to them and maybe turn these patterns around.  Throw a wrench in them.

So, if you have a  judgmental partner, my challenge to you is the next time you feel judged, start a conversation.  Get curious with your partner and see if you can change the way the relationship and the outcome of that conversation goes.

Leave a comment and let me know if any light bulbs went off for you, or if you notice any changes after putting this tip to practice.  

And, if you have a specific "How to Love Your Partner" challenge, send it my way.  I always make a point to get to every question.